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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26315890">1-800</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebodysomeplace1/pseuds/somebodysomeplace1'>somebodysomeplace1</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Established Relationship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Therapy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:14:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,799</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26315890</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/somebodysomeplace1/pseuds/somebodysomeplace1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Buck loses someone on one of their calls, and it effects him really bad. Eddie tries to figure out how to help.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Christopher Diaz &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz &amp; Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) &amp; Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>101</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1-800</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>tw. mentions of suicide.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everyone grieves differently.</p>
<p>Grief is the way that human beings- living things- react when someone typically passes away. They mourn with them; for them. Of course there are many forms of grief, but they all leave the same impact on everyone that is reckoned with it. Damage. And when you're a first responder with a very life-threating occupation, you tend to grieve often.</p>
<p>While in the fire academy they teach you how to maintain stability; as in how to deal with different situations while in action. So one thing that they teach you well is how to handle the loss of someone on the job.</p>
<p>As a firefighter, it is your job to save those that are in danger. You may encounter someone new or be helping someone that is known to you. But to a firefighter it doesn't matter how long or what short amount of time that you've met someone while on the job, if you lose someone it hurts.</p>
<p>Because that's how grief works.</p>
<p>"Buck?" Chimney says, snapping Buck out of his thoughts</p>
<p>As Buck looks up at him- with his team surrounding him at every angle- his eyes start to well with tears. Blurring his vision.</p>
<p>"Buckaroo." Hen says as she kneels down beside him with a gentle hand being placed on his shoulder "She's gone."</p>
<p>Buck shakes his head as he adjusts his grip on the woman in his arms.</p>
<p>"No." he insists "I just had her. She was just talking." Buck pauses, looking up at his Captain "She was just making jokes, and I was laughing with her. I was laughing along with her."</p>
<p>Every one of his teammates is looking at him as though he is delusional. Buck knows he's not.</p>
<p>"Buck they're right." Eddie whispers "She was too far gone by the time we got here. Her making jokes and laughing is the way the brain works. It is in shock because it doesn't realize what it has gone through."</p>
<p>"I should've saved her." he cries</p>
<p>"And trust me, we all wanted to save her." Chimney says sincerely</p>
<p>Buck laughs. Not because the situation of a lifeless girl lies in his arms, but that he's in pure shock.</p>
<p>"She thought that this was the best way." Buck says- starting to get up- leaving the woman lying there "She- she felt as though the world was caving in on her and that no one, not a single person loved her and appreciated her prescience on this earth as though she didn't matter but she does." he smiles down at her as he wipes a stray tear off of his cheek</p>
<p>"Come on." Bobby says as he wraps an arm around Buck's shoulder; Buck flinching under his touch "Let's head back."</p>
<p>"Okay." Buck hums as he takes one final glance at her and heads towards the truck; his team trailing closely behind.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>The drive back to the station is quiet. And of course it is filled with small chatter here and there and the sound of Chim chewing his gum, but the conversation is not as lively as it usually is.</p>
<p>The team is all around Buck, sitting in the seats that they always sit in and they don't seem a bit bothered by what happened. And he doesn't blame them, they probably are keeping their composure.</p>
<p>As they pull up to the station, Eddie nudges Buck's leg beside him which catches his attention.</p>
<p>"Hmm." Buck hums as he turns to face Eddie- blinking away tears</p>
<p>"We're here." he starts, as he unlocks his seatbelt and stands up "Come on." Eddie puts a hand out in front of him; as though wishing that Buck would take it. But inside he shakes his head.</p>
<p>"I'm fine." Buck says- declining the offer at hand "I wanna stay here for a while." Alone</p>
<p>Eddie looks down at him sadly. But realization hits him after a moment.</p>
<p>"Okay." he whispers, stepping onto each step in the vehicle as he exits- closing the door behind him- leaving Buck alone.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>As Eddie walks into his lively home filled with joy and all things that are supposed to be great, the feeling of distraught overpowers all of it.</p>
<p>When he was in the army it was hard, as it is for almost every soldier and veteran. When in battle, it was always a fight for your own life; literally. And when someone on the field didn't make it back, it weighed on everyone of them. But he kept on fighting- he always did, to make it back to his family.</p>
<p>When Eddie presses his sore back into the softness of the couch it feels surreal- almost as though he doesn't remember what it is like to sit back and take in the mess of a day he'd just had.</p>
<p>"Daddy?" he hears Chris call from the hallway as he starts to make his way to the same room as Eddie. The sound of his voice cheering him up a bit.</p>
<p>"Hey buddy." Eddie says as he leans down and places a soft kiss to Christopher's curls. The smiles that he wears when he looks at his son doesn't quite reach his eyes as they usually do and it catches Chris' attention.</p>
<p>"What's wrong?" he asks</p>
<p>"Daddy had a rough day at work." Eddie explains as he fixes his gaze on him.</p>
<p>Christopher being the kind kid that he has always been, leans forward- placing his arms around Eddie in the tightest embrace that he could possibly give him.</p>
<p>"It's okay." Christopher whispers into his chest</p>
<p>As Eddie starts to brace his head on his, he thinks back to earlier.</p>
<p>"It's going to be okay." he agrees. He just hopes Buck will be too.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>5:45am</p>
<p>When the sound of his alarm goes off he just let's it ring- the sound continuing for miles, ringing around his apartment. Buck has the covers pulled over his head- scrunching up every part of the blanket imaginable.</p>
<p>The whole night Buck has been drifting in and out of sleep. Reliving every minute of what happened. Going over every step, every missed opportunity, every mistake that he made, and they all seem to result in him not helping. It was similar to a call he was on a few years back. A roller coaster got stuck and passenger had fallen out of the cart. The man that he was trying to help at the time was concerned for his friend. Going over how he didn't want to come on the ride and that it was his own fault- but it wasn't.</p>
<p>As he rolls on his side- his ear hitting the pillow as he faces the window to his left- the same feeling of helplessness slithers through his bones. It makes him remember what it was like to lose someone. To grieve their prescience, their life. And to realize how they truly deserved to live.</p>
<p>"Hey cap." he groans over the phone- his voice barely above a whisper.</p>
<p>"Buck, what's up?" Bobby answers</p>
<p>"I don't think I can make it into work today." Buck sniffs, trying to sell the act "Not feeling up to it today." In a way</p>
<p>There's a pause on the other line.</p>
<p>"Okay." Bobby speaks up after a moment "Feel better."</p>
<p>"Thanks." Buck replies as he hangs up- rolling back on his side.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>The sight of bright red fire trucks rolling into the station brings a sense of serotonin to Eddie's life. The start of the day is always rough for any first responder.</p>
<p>"Hey Eddie!" Hen calls from behind him</p>
<p>"What's up?" he answers, when she approaches him as they head towards the locker room.</p>
<p>Hen starts to look around with a confused look on her face- forgetting the question that she had in mind.</p>
<p>"What is it?" Eddie asks- catching on to her gaze</p>
<p>"Where's Buck?"</p>
<p>Oh.</p>
<p>"Um, isn't he here?" Eddie furrows his eyebrows "His shift started six hours ago." </p>
<p>Hen shakes her head at him.</p>
<p>"He's not here." she states</p>
<p>"Well, did you ask Bobby?"</p>
<p>"No." Hen replies as she starts to back away "I'll go ask him."</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>"You weren't at work today." is the first thing Eddie says since he entered his house. After his shift he decided that it would be best to go to Buck's house.</p>
<p>"Yeah." Buck says blatantly as he has his back to him.</p>
<p>When Buck doesn't elaborate on his absence, Eddie comes around to the other side of the bed in front of him- catching Buck's gaze in his own. "Why?" he asks worried</p>
<p>Buck shrugs. "Wasn't feeling it."</p>
<p>Wide eyes spring to Eddie's face.</p>
<p>"Evan Buckley, hero firefighter wasn't feeling 'up to it'." he teases, which earns him a scoff on Buck's part.</p>
<p>"Okay..." Buck trails off as he rotates his body away from Eddie once again.</p>
<p>"Buck." Eddie whispers- sitting down on the bed beside him "Talk to me."</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>"Buck?"</p>
<p>"I think it's best if you go." Buck insists- not managing to look his boyfriend in the eyes.</p>
<p>Eddie tries placing a firm hand over Buck's shoulder, but he shrugs it off.</p>
<p>With that, Eddie gets up- taking his key and jacket from the kitchen counter- and heads out the door.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>"Are you guys on your way out." Bobby's voice is heard over the radio. They are on the scene of a house fire; two injuries, but overall nothing major.</p>
<p>"Yeah we're headed out now cap." Eddie answers over the other end.</p>
<p>"Buck you okay up there?"</p>
<p>"Yep." he shouts through the blaring sounds of sirens coming from outside</p>
<p>When they reach the exit of the house, they are greeted with paramedics and other firefighters- taking care of the people and them themselves.</p>
<p>"Are you guys injured?" a voice asks from behind them. It's Chimney.</p>
<p>"No, we're good." Buck smiles- taking off his helmet and gloves that are now covered in char.</p>
<p>"You busy tonight?" Eddie nudges him when Chimney is out of ear shot "Christopher is at abuela's tonight."</p>
<p>"I just want to go home and rest, I'm tired." Buck answers, as he walks to the truck "Sorry." he says. Eddie trailing behind him.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>As Eddie stands in front of the door, he contemplates even knocking. He knows that it is a good thing to do. So he does.</p>
<p>"Eddie, hey." Maddie says, opening the door.</p>
<p>"Hi." he smiles as Maddie moves to the side of the doorway.</p>
<p>"Wanna come in?"</p>
<p>"Sure." Eddie replies- walking into her home and setting himself down on the couch.</p>
<p>"So." Maddie starts, as she sits down on the chair arm across from him "What brings you here?" she says as she crosses her arms, along with a cheeky grin.</p>
<p>Eddie starts to look down at his hands that are placed in his lap. "It's about Buck."</p>
<p>Maddie gets up from her position on the opposite end of the room and sits down at the empty space beside him- the chair sinking in a bit.</p>
<p>"What about him?" she questions "Are you guys fighting?"</p>
<p>Eddie shakes his head.</p>
<p>"No. The opposite actually." Eddie assures her</p>
<p>"Then what is it Eddie?" she whispers</p>
<p>"Something happened." he starts</p>
<p>When he doesn't continue, Maddie motions for him to go on.</p>
<p>"He's been acting different lately." Eddie pauses</p>
<p>Maddie furrows her eyebrows at him. "How, different?"</p>
<p>Eddie shrugs. "The other day we had this call, and it was a rough one- for all of us. It was an attempt. But Buck- he was different. He kept on describing the girl, as though he knew her, or her story I don't know." he shakes his head "This is stupid." Eddie goes to say as he starts to get up.</p>
<p>"Eddie." Maddie says- placing her hand on his as he sits back down beside her to her wishes.</p>
<p>When Eddie is staring at her intently, she continues.</p>
<p>"Evan, he has a hard time when it comes to explaining certain things." she starts "I can't be the one to tell you why, but I need you to know that he needs you there with him. In any way possible."</p>
<p>"How?" Eddie asks curious "He won't even talk to me."</p>
<p>"It doesn't mean he does not want to Eddie." Maddie tells him "Look. For what it's worth he's got a big heart so when it aches, it aches gravely and sometimes it takes a while to seek the help that you need."</p>
<p>And with that, a light bulb ignites in his head.</p>
<p>"Thank you." he says- getting up and giving Maddie a hug "Truly."</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>For what feels like the millionth time today, Buck is lying down on his bed- face down- in his pjs. His house for the most part is quiet. Except for the footsteps that radiate through out his home.</p>
<p>A man leans down and places kisses down the back of his spine. The heat from his lips seeping through his shirt and onto his skin; burning it.</p>
<p>"Back in the army I had this friend." Eddie whispers "She was the one person that I truly related to. We both joined the army after high school, had a family back home waiting for us, and loved the job." reminiscing on those times.</p>
<p>He pauses for a moment.</p>
<p>"So when we lost her, I lost a bit of myself." he starts "Grieving is normal Buck. To mourn those who you have lost or are not with anymore. But I want you to know that I'm here for you. I want to understand your pain and know what you're going through. I want to help, if you'll let me."</p>
<p>Buck sighs- turning on his back and getting up into a seated position beside Eddie on his bed.</p>
<p>"When I was in college I met this girl named Lauren. We were pretty close and used to study together." Buck explains as his eyes start to well up "She would always listen to me rant about my struggles with my parents or just about anything in my life. And when I'd ask her about what was going on in her life, she would usually answer with 'nothing' or that there was 'just school stuff'."</p>
<p>Eddie is staring at him, wondering where this story is headed.</p>
<p>"Then one day when I was coming home from class, her friend called me. She had taken her own life that morning." Buck says as tears start to roll down his cheeks "She was always making jokes, either laughing at people or with them and cared for others. So when the girl on that call did the same thing, it reminded me of her."</p>
<p>Eddie shifts closer to him on the bed as he wraps is arms firmly around his torso. Allowing Buck to drop his head to his shoulder.</p>
<p>"I miss her everyday." Buck cries "I think about how maybe I should've caught onto the signs- or known-"</p>
<p>"Sometimes it's hard to see when someone is suffering. Especially when it is in silence. Yeah sure they can hide it behind laughter and a smile, but that doesn't mean they are okay." Eddie starts as he tilts Buck's head up to look at him "It's not your fault Evan and you need to know that. Of course if you had the chance you would do everything in your power to stop both Lauren and the woman, but please don't blame yourself."</p>
<p>Buck nods his head in response- placing his head back on Eddie's shoulder in front of him as he wipes away at the stray tears on his cheek.</p>
<p>"Buck I'm always going to be here for you. Even when you try to push me away." Eddie laughs, which earns him a chuckle on Buck's end "I promise."</p>
<p>"You pinky promise?" Buck questions as he holds out a pinky between the two of them.</p>
<p>Eddie shakes his head. "I pinky promise." he echoes as he grabs Buck's pinky with his.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>"Okay Evan. Are you ready?"</p>
<p>"Yeah I think I am." Buck says as he heads into the office.</p>
<p>An hour later when he exits, he feels different; lighter.</p>
<p>"How was it?" Eddie asks as he puts an arm around him.</p>
<p>"It was pretty nice actually." he admits "Frank and I had a chat. I come back next Tuesday after my shift."</p>
<p>Eddie smiles at him- leaning in to place a tender kiss to his lips. "Come on." he starts as he intertwines their fingers "Let's go home."</p>
<p>It's normal to grieve. It's one of the human body's natural response to those you've lost. Everyone deals with the loss of someone differently. Don't try to push those feelings down and if you can, remember that people would be glad to listen to your troubles with you, than without.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>If you are seeing this, this is your sign to stay.</p>
<p>Suicide hotline US: 1-800-273-8255</p>
<p>Suicide hotline Canada: 1-833-456-4566</p>
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